writing here becuz tumblr "will be back shortly"

im spending new years with my boyfriend so he wont go to his ex girlfriends house??

he asked me last night if i trusted him and i said yes.
and i do trust him...but to a point... i dont trust anyone fully.
I trust him not to hurt me or cheat on me.
I trust him to be there when i need him.
but i dont trust him to stay with me...

because eventually they all leave. or... i leave before they can leave me...

we talked forever last night about a million things.
like why i pull away when he puts his hands on my neck..
whats going to happen when we graduate
if hes ever had a pet fish lol
and even after he told me that im beautiful and he doesnt wanna lose me
he wants to try to stay together when we graduate...
im still scared he will leave.

ugh!

i hate this.

fuck i do not wanna deal with other peoples problems. Its MY birthday cant just one day outta the fucking year be mine?? cant people just pretend for ONE day to give a fuck about me and what makes me happy?? My best friend is off doing who knows what with whoever she cant even bother to pick up the phone a give me a call. Syupid guy friend is bitching about how he wants to drink cuz his life is soo fucking bad and how girls dont really care they just wanna get in his pants fuck! idk why the fuck he keeps telling me about it i dont care if u THINK girls wanna sleep with u...im never gonna do it. ?! blah blah blah idgaf! i will care for 364 days a year but why cant i just have one day??? my boyfriend would rather hang out with the guys and play airsoft then be with me...because im that revolting. (i told him to go...i dont want him to stay with me if he doesnt wanna stay) then (she)...idk...(she's) too caught up in her own life.
So basically i did charity work and sat at home crying and drinking for my birthday what an amazing fucking day.

FUCK. I hope i dont cry today.

I have not slept more than two hours in 3 days. Thats a long time without sleep and it's def starting to wear down on me...&& the people around me. I crashed last night around ten with the intention of sleeping through the night...but that didnt happen. 1st JJ had to wake me up at 1 in the fucking morning, to talk to me about maze. (i hate to be woken up.) Then when he crashed out at about two, i fell back asleep only to be woken up at three by the same stupid nightmare i always have around this time...im sick of it. i want sleeping pills. Then i fell back asleep and was awoken by my alarm at 4 to get up and bake shit for people at school (gave out xmas cards today) but i was too tired to get up and do it. so i went back to sleep but had to get back up at 5 to get ready for school. My brother broke my EFFING hair dryer again so i get to show up today with poofy hair. everything that couldve went wrong went wrong this morning (i blame it on the good day i had yesterday...good things never last) then i get to school. i have to drop off the damn flowers for GODZILLAS play and they start breaking. (i was really tempted top just toss them in the trash and say fuck it.) Im in such a BAD freaking mood. && im really trying to be hsppy (im making the people around me miserable) but its really hard. i need to start sleeping.

On another topic. My best friend is blowing me off on my birthday to hang out with her stupid boyfriend. so im kinda pissed off about that.

I think for my birthday imma hide in my room and avoid everyone.

Its not exactly supposed to be a happy day anyways...

My boyfriend keeps saying hes gonna kidnap and take me somewhere but i really dont want him to spend money on me...I cant repay him. IM BROKE> im always broke. i need a job.

Ohh last night my baking epically failed. i was really upset. IDK i just feel like shit today.

i hope it gets better... = /

Ghosties!!!

Omg I just had a total paranormal experience. I could've Sworn someone ran by me but no one was there!! Creepy..

im hungry.

My tummy is grumbling at me.

i wish i was tiny...

that way i could eat and not worry about getting fatter.

Sad face.

boys are stupid.

So my friend has the worst luck with guys and i really dont understand it. She's super pretty and skinny and gorgeous but nothing ever seems to work out, guys are always super big jerks to her... but she still loves them and goes back to them??
So i guess its her own fault...
Anyways she's got a new boyfriend but im really worried that he is just using her. He worte on his tumblr that he "got rid of that bitch ____" when he broke up with her for the first time. Now they are back together and i just really really hope he doesnt hurt her...As u can see i dont trust him.
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This morning i was on myspace and i was looking at my friends updated status and chubz and rico (my ex-boyfriends friends) were like I NEED a girlfriend. They make girls sound like property, something expendable. Their whole group is like that. They all think they NEED girlfriends. its like they dont care about who she is or anything as long as they have someone to cling to...its kinda annoying. My ex was the same way. He said he cares and stuff and that he "loves" me but he just doesnt like to be single. He needs to be needed...even at the expense of others.
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My best friends boyfriend is a DICK. He just upo and decided one day he didnt like me. He says im stuck up and need to be knocked off my high horse. Ive never in said two words to him. I dont try to be stuck up...i really have no reason to be. Im not pretty. im not skinny. im not crazy smart or accomplished. idk...he just doesnt like me. It causes alot of conflict between me and my best friend. She ALWAYS defends her boyfriendss. Im supposed to just sit there and take it so i dont "upset" him. ughh whatever.
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Boys are stupid.

nothing can break me down

to afraid to hurt
to let myself love
to put myself out there
to stop acting tough
the old me i have held onto
the anger the tears and the pain
the person i became just to please you
all washes away in a summers rain
your memory a distant feeling
of one who doesnt exist
a new life i am living
of happiness and bliss
great friends all around me
and family that loves me to
loved ones surround me
and i barely think of you
im ready to take the leap
and trust my heart to someone new
and live my life with no regrets
except the one of loving you
smiles and laughter fill each of my days
and nothing will break me down
sick of all the drama and craze
and all the liars i have found
so i put myself first and i let myself love
no longer with a shadow of doubt
and i spread my arms open
as i reach for the clouds
Nothing will ever break me down