writing here becuz tumblr "will be back shortly"

im spending new years with my boyfriend so he wont go to his ex girlfriends house??

he asked me last night if i trusted him and i said yes.
and i do trust him...but to a point... i dont trust anyone fully.
I trust him not to hurt me or cheat on me.
I trust him to be there when i need him.
but i dont trust him to stay with me...

because eventually they all leave. or... i leave before they can leave me...

we talked forever last night about a million things.
like why i pull away when he puts his hands on my neck..
whats going to happen when we graduate
if hes ever had a pet fish lol
and even after he told me that im beautiful and he doesnt wanna lose me
he wants to try to stay together when we graduate...
im still scared he will leave.

ugh!

i hate this.

fuck i do not wanna deal with other peoples problems. Its MY birthday cant just one day outta the fucking year be mine?? cant people just pretend for ONE day to give a fuck about me and what makes me happy?? My best friend is off doing who knows what with whoever she cant even bother to pick up the phone a give me a call. Syupid guy friend is bitching about how he wants to drink cuz his life is soo fucking bad and how girls dont really care they just wanna get in his pants fuck! idk why the fuck he keeps telling me about it i dont care if u THINK girls wanna sleep with u...im never gonna do it. ?! blah blah blah idgaf! i will care for 364 days a year but why cant i just have one day??? my boyfriend would rather hang out with the guys and play airsoft then be with me...because im that revolting. (i told him to go...i dont want him to stay with me if he doesnt wanna stay) then (she)...idk...(she's) too caught up in her own life.
So basically i did charity work and sat at home crying and drinking for my birthday what an amazing fucking day.

FUCK. I hope i dont cry today.

I have not slept more than two hours in 3 days. Thats a long time without sleep and it's def starting to wear down on me...&& the people around me. I crashed last night around ten with the intention of sleeping through the night...but that didnt happen. 1st JJ had to wake me up at 1 in the fucking morning, to talk to me about maze. (i hate to be woken up.) Then when he crashed out at about two, i fell back asleep only to be woken up at three by the same stupid nightmare i always have around this time...im sick of it. i want sleeping pills. Then i fell back asleep and was awoken by my alarm at 4 to get up and bake shit for people at school (gave out xmas cards today) but i was too tired to get up and do it. so i went back to sleep but had to get back up at 5 to get ready for school. My brother broke my EFFING hair dryer again so i get to show up today with poofy hair. everything that couldve went wrong went wrong this morning (i blame it on the good day i had yesterday...good things never last) then i get to school. i have to drop off the damn flowers for GODZILLAS play and they start breaking. (i was really tempted top just toss them in the trash and say fuck it.) Im in such a BAD freaking mood. && im really trying to be hsppy (im making the people around me miserable) but its really hard. i need to start sleeping.

On another topic. My best friend is blowing me off on my birthday to hang out with her stupid boyfriend. so im kinda pissed off about that.

I think for my birthday imma hide in my room and avoid everyone.

Its not exactly supposed to be a happy day anyways...

My boyfriend keeps saying hes gonna kidnap and take me somewhere but i really dont want him to spend money on me...I cant repay him. IM BROKE> im always broke. i need a job.

Ohh last night my baking epically failed. i was really upset. IDK i just feel like shit today.

i hope it gets better... = /

Ghosties!!!

Omg I just had a total paranormal experience. I could've Sworn someone ran by me but no one was there!! Creepy..

im hungry.

My tummy is grumbling at me.

i wish i was tiny...

that way i could eat and not worry about getting fatter.

Sad face.

boys are stupid.

So my friend has the worst luck with guys and i really dont understand it. She's super pretty and skinny and gorgeous but nothing ever seems to work out, guys are always super big jerks to her... but she still loves them and goes back to them??
So i guess its her own fault...
Anyways she's got a new boyfriend but im really worried that he is just using her. He worte on his tumblr that he "got rid of that bitch ____" when he broke up with her for the first time. Now they are back together and i just really really hope he doesnt hurt her...As u can see i dont trust him.
...........................................................................
This morning i was on myspace and i was looking at my friends updated status and chubz and rico (my ex-boyfriends friends) were like I NEED a girlfriend. They make girls sound like property, something expendable. Their whole group is like that. They all think they NEED girlfriends. its like they dont care about who she is or anything as long as they have someone to cling to...its kinda annoying. My ex was the same way. He said he cares and stuff and that he "loves" me but he just doesnt like to be single. He needs to be needed...even at the expense of others.
...........................................................................
My best friends boyfriend is a DICK. He just upo and decided one day he didnt like me. He says im stuck up and need to be knocked off my high horse. Ive never in said two words to him. I dont try to be stuck up...i really have no reason to be. Im not pretty. im not skinny. im not crazy smart or accomplished. idk...he just doesnt like me. It causes alot of conflict between me and my best friend. She ALWAYS defends her boyfriendss. Im supposed to just sit there and take it so i dont "upset" him. ughh whatever.
..........................................................................
Boys are stupid.

nothing can break me down

to afraid to hurt
to let myself love
to put myself out there
to stop acting tough
the old me i have held onto
the anger the tears and the pain
the person i became just to please you
all washes away in a summers rain
your memory a distant feeling
of one who doesnt exist
a new life i am living
of happiness and bliss
great friends all around me
and family that loves me to
loved ones surround me
and i barely think of you
im ready to take the leap
and trust my heart to someone new
and live my life with no regrets
except the one of loving you
smiles and laughter fill each of my days
and nothing will break me down
sick of all the drama and craze
and all the liars i have found
so i put myself first and i let myself love
no longer with a shadow of doubt
and i spread my arms open
as i reach for the clouds
Nothing will ever break me down

addiction

its hard to see your face
to hear your name
its hard to have your stuff around
its hard to not be able to save you
from the road your going down
and i wanna hold your hand
i wanna pull you close
i wanna let you know that your not alone
but when i see your face
i hear your name
i have your stuff around
i know i cant save you
from the road your going down
you gotta pull yourself up
from that burning hole
you gotta stand strong
all on your own
and ill be standing by watching over you
so when the time is right
i can hold your hand
i can pull you close
i can let you know
that your not alone.

My babe ♥

MyHotComments


Things he says that makes my heart smile:
Your beautiful
Your just so amazing.
Babe I'm here for you
I get to hang out with my beautiful girlfriend
how could i be sad when im dating you?
of course im having fun, im with you
........
ME: u don't have to help me. It's not your job
HIM: but u need help so I am going to help thts what boyfriends are for babe
ME: thts really sweet...I've never had that before...
HIM: well u do now. I'm here for u that means I help if I can.

I really like him. ♥
<3

Always i wanna be with you and make believe with you and live in harmony harmony all our lives. =D

href="http://apps.facebook.com/robotunicorn/play.html"

The most addicting game.

I can explode stars with sparkly rainbows. =D


MyHotComments

To anyone who reads my rambling:

So i created this blog as an outlet. A place to vent and complain and just talk about whats going on. I dont expect anyone to follow or comment or pay any attention, but if you'd like to your more than welcome to =D I just kinda needed an escape...somewhere i can say whatever i want and not have to worry about it all blowing up in my face at school. Anyways if you'de like me to follow you leave me a comment. I'm usually the friend that people go to advice and i dont mind giving it. so...yea thats about it.
-KatieGummybear

perfect night

So last night i went to a church for the first time in years after my nana died. When she died i completely gave up. i stopped believing in god and i still dont believe in him. im not angry anymore but i just dont believe and its hard for me to go back to church and sit there and pretend that its not all bullshit. and then last night when i went to see my wonderful boyfriend sing in a church performance it made me think alot about church and god and why i dont believe anymore and it all kinda put me in a bad mood… so finally we left and went to the bowling alley where we met up with my guy friends and maze was there. && the night went from ehh alright to freaking amazing. i danced around and acted stupid and i was really close to my boyfriend i like him so much. weve only been dating for a little bit but he makes me so incredibly happy. THEN he took me home and he got out of the care, walked around to my side and hugged me. He proceeded to ask me what i would do if he kissed me and i replied with i’d let you. so he kissed me!! it was so cute and u could tell he was crazy nervous. i was his first kiss. awe! have i mentioned i really like him???

MyHotComments

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MyHotComments

i hate that everything we do has to focus around soccer riding or the boys. it doesnt matter that its my senior year as long as the boys have everything they need for soccer and riding. It doesnt matter that my birthdays in one week cuz my father is to busy worrying about my stupid brother adn how he cant just not fuck up in school. 11,000 dollars on a god damn dirt bike so they can “bond” well what about me?? dont i matter?? i try to make him proud i try to talk to him i sit there at the table and try to hold a conversation and he just ignores me and changes the subject or sends me to my room to cry because i guess im too disgusting to be in his presence. and i keep trying because i want him to love me like he loves my brother…but i know deep down i will knever be enough. im never enough. and maybee its my own insecurities but fuck how else am i supposed to feel with the shit i have to deal with on a day to day basis. i hate it here…i just want to leave and start my own life and leave everyone in the past. i wish i could just make myself happy but im never freaking happy and i dont know how to make it better…

eff

it bothers me that __ doesnt want to know any of it. __ doesnt seem to care why i was so messed up or how i got better as long as i play the good girlfriend. the christians girl with her very own angel wings and halo. but im not really that girl. ive been to hell maybee not as far down as others but ive climbed up that hole on my own. HE hurt me the most. HE was the only one i have ever cared about like that. i dont think it was love. and it wasnt lust. it was…something else. a feeling of being needed. truly needed and wanted. HE used to talk ot me like i was the only one who understood him. i used to go to school just to see him just so he could make me feel …important. When i care about someone i give them everything i try so hard to be exctly what they need and what they want. even if it destroys me. which is what HE did. HE made me fall for him. HE made me think i was just as good as >her< like i could ever be as good as >her<. I shouldve known it wasnt true that HE was only using me to get to >her< but i didnt want to believe it. i just wanted one thing in this world to be mine. one thing i didnt have to lose to >her< and so i gave him everything my heart my soul my very being i became everything HE could ever ask for and i still wasnt enough. && when IT happened. when HE thought he would be tied to me forever he ran. he droppped me on my ass and ran as if i was the plague. and when s.h.e. broke his heart HE came back to me…cuz he knew id always be there. i just cant tell him to fuck off even though HE hurt me more than anyone ever could. i was broken and full of hate and so ready to give up but i pulled myself up and i survived. its just a broken heart right?? then i met *him. and *he was completely different then anyone else i have ever known. *he really did love me. *he prolly still does. and it hurts that i hurt him but i couldnt be with him. im not a forever kinda girl. im the girl that gets close and runs away because i never ever want to be in the spot i was before. so full of hate i really wanted HIM to die. i never want to feel that about *him. *hes such a sweet guy even though hes made mistakes and of course >she< had to take that from me as well…but i forgave *him and >her< i tried to move on…and secretly i still burn inside when i even hear their names together just because >she< takes everything away from me….and im always left standing alone and broken trying not to care. and now…theres another (her). (she) really is a good friend. but sometimes…i think shes almost as bad as >her< (she) seems to be making a home for (herself) in my life…they all fall for (her) shes so incredibly pretty and skinny and im not any of that and i wish i could be. i wish i could be like both of them so i could show them what they do to me. but (she) is nicer and says (she) would never do what >she< has done and i think i can trust (her) but its hard. so i still hold back. and when im not able to talk to (her) HIM *him or >her< i have no one to go to. so i just wallow in my own misery and hope no one notices. so thank god for blogger.com lol a place where i can ramble about my shitty life and no one i know will know. =D

venting

You say you love me. You say you care about me. You say you want to be with me…Yet you wont defend me. you wont defend us. You wont do anything to keep us together. _________ is trying to break us up. ___________ is trying to make my life complicated and _____________ is basically stalking you but you dont care you think its funny. I dont think its funny. & it hurts to know that you dont care enough to defend me you would rather have ur little flunky on ur side and following u like a love sick puppy then hang onto the girl that u supposedly love. I never wanted to be the girl to tell you what to do or who to hang out with i tell you how i feel and i let you know that i dont like her but in the end i let u decide what to do. && you tell me you dont care about her that shes annoying and u think shes funny but you wont stand up to her and tell her to back off you wont tell her the truth you lie to her and you give her hope so that she follows you and it drives us apart it hurts my feelings that i dont mean enough to u where u could just man up and tell her to back off. im always the one to stand up for us im always the one to defend our relationship! why cant you be the boy i need why cant you just grow up and look to your future. i know we wont make it i feel it in my heart because although you say u care u dont show me u care and words mean nothing in the end. i deserve a boy who has a future who can be there when i need him who can defend me and protect me when i need him who see’s me and no other. why cant you be that for me? _________ keeps saying i dont deserve you. && maybee shes right…maybee u two are perfect for eachother…

no one sees

the tears slowly falling from her eyes
make no sound
the nights she’s cried herself to sleep
are never heard.
the gentlest touch
makes her hair fall out
everything aches from her body to her mind to her heart
but no one see’s.
behind every fake smile,
every forced laugh,
is a hidden pain.
because she knows…
that no matter how hard she tries
she will never live up to their standards.
she will never be good enough.
…and the harder she tries
the harder she falls
and the tears just keep coming
and her heart just keeps aching
and her hair just keeps falling out
and no one see’s…

Dlm

I sit here reminiscing about all the good times we shared and the way that you loved and the way that you cared but slowly my memory slips your smile no longer heals my heart your voice no longer soothes my soul your touch no longer heals my pain your face can no longer make me whole so slowly my memory slips and the more I try to grasp the memory dancing at my fingertips the faster it melts into a distant feeling of someone who can never again exist and so…my memory slowly slips…