eff

it bothers me that __ doesnt want to know any of it. __ doesnt seem to care why i was so messed up or how i got better as long as i play the good girlfriend. the christians girl with her very own angel wings and halo. but im not really that girl. ive been to hell maybee not as far down as others but ive climbed up that hole on my own. HE hurt me the most. HE was the only one i have ever cared about like that. i dont think it was love. and it wasnt lust. it was…something else. a feeling of being needed. truly needed and wanted. HE used to talk ot me like i was the only one who understood him. i used to go to school just to see him just so he could make me feel …important. When i care about someone i give them everything i try so hard to be exctly what they need and what they want. even if it destroys me. which is what HE did. HE made me fall for him. HE made me think i was just as good as >her< like i could ever be as good as >her<. I shouldve known it wasnt true that HE was only using me to get to >her< but i didnt want to believe it. i just wanted one thing in this world to be mine. one thing i didnt have to lose to >her< and so i gave him everything my heart my soul my very being i became everything HE could ever ask for and i still wasnt enough. && when IT happened. when HE thought he would be tied to me forever he ran. he droppped me on my ass and ran as if i was the plague. and when s.h.e. broke his heart HE came back to me…cuz he knew id always be there. i just cant tell him to fuck off even though HE hurt me more than anyone ever could. i was broken and full of hate and so ready to give up but i pulled myself up and i survived. its just a broken heart right?? then i met *him. and *he was completely different then anyone else i have ever known. *he really did love me. *he prolly still does. and it hurts that i hurt him but i couldnt be with him. im not a forever kinda girl. im the girl that gets close and runs away because i never ever want to be in the spot i was before. so full of hate i really wanted HIM to die. i never want to feel that about *him. *hes such a sweet guy even though hes made mistakes and of course >she< had to take that from me as well…but i forgave *him and >her< i tried to move on…and secretly i still burn inside when i even hear their names together just because >she< takes everything away from me….and im always left standing alone and broken trying not to care. and now…theres another (her). (she) really is a good friend. but sometimes…i think shes almost as bad as >her< (she) seems to be making a home for (herself) in my life…they all fall for (her) shes so incredibly pretty and skinny and im not any of that and i wish i could be. i wish i could be like both of them so i could show them what they do to me. but (she) is nicer and says (she) would never do what >she< has done and i think i can trust (her) but its hard. so i still hold back. and when im not able to talk to (her) HIM *him or >her< i have no one to go to. so i just wallow in my own misery and hope no one notices. so thank god for blogger.com lol a place where i can ramble about my shitty life and no one i know will know. =D